Worst month ever !

I'll probably never forget this month... so many things happened... made so many mistakes... lost a very dear friend. Its been a fortnight that I lost a dear friend... I dont know who should be responsible for this? Many a times I feel was it foolishness? Or is it my unnatural ego and unforgiving attitude? Have I started thinking that I am the wisest person on this planet, the only sane human on earth? I made choices that I knew that I will regret for my whole life, I was aware of all the that would happen to me, but then why did I do that ? There is no explanation. I always thought that I am very rational, very understanding, very patient. But I still did things completely opposite. I wonder if I will ever forgive myself, but a loss is a loss. I long to see u my sweetheart, I long to touch you. I know you have the blood of the warrior clan, you will not compromise. But can you be saner that I am. Please save me from my misery. And then comes my mother's illness. I cannot bear the sight. I cannot see her suffer, I find myself so helpless. I often get angry at what's happening to me. I am falling. I am getting impatient.